Gardening Leave

The problem with Gardening Leave, especially the extended version (in my case 3 ½ months) is that sooner or later the gardening runs out – as I live in a 5^th floor flat, it took about an hour.   So what do you do then?  Move on to DIY, I guess.  The problem there is that I bloody hate DIY and in any case I’m useless at it, as anyone who has in the past seen my wonky shelves and bodged cupboard door repairs will testify.  Painting I can just about manage (as long as you don’t look too closely), but anything electrical, plumbing or (the worst) woodwork – forget it: time to consult Yellow Pages and call in the experts.

From this you may gather that my notice period is beginning to drag more than a bit. 

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The first couple of weeks were ok, as I had Things To Do.  For a start, a CV that needed bringing up to date and editing – reducing 50 individual project assignments over a 13 year period, not to mention a variety of internal projects, down to a handful of notables – sort of compiling a Travellin Bob’s Greatest Hits.   Not the easiest job in the world.  Then there was the LinkedIn profile to complete.   Now this little website seems to be rapidly replacing the good old recruitment consultancy when it comes to finding a new job.  Gone are the days when you’d hop on a train to London (or New York, or Berlin or wherever you happened to live) and do a tour of the agencies that specialized in your particular career path – banking and accountancy, say – and drop off a bunch of CVs (or for my transAtlantic readers, resumės), then go home again and hope that someone was interested enough to call back.  Instead, nowadays you set up your LinkedIn profile, upload your CV, join a few forums that specialize in what you want to do and hey presto.  Agencies (and others) post job requirements on the site, linked to these forums, you get an e-mail notification, and you can contact the agency (or whatever) directly from the site to register your “interest”.    Since it’s on-line, it’s global – I’ve responded to requirements in Canada, the Middle East, Singapore and Europe (various locations) and while nothing is certain, there has been interest from some of them and discussions are on-going, as they say. 

 

Now, as I’m getting on in years, and in a fairly specialized labour market, finding a new permanent employer is likely to prove a bit tricky – Ageism is rife in the labour market, no matter what legislation is in place and what government ministers may say in public.  So it’s time to look at alternatives - in my case this leads to the concept of the independent contractor.   They are rife in my employment universe – I’ve worked alongside them many times over the years, and I think complained about them on this blog somewhen.  Frequently they have been much less experienced than me, had much less knowledge of the product and, indeed, the investment banking business itself, and needed support and guidance (and education) to a ridiculous degree given their position within the project.  And nine times out ten, they have been earning three and four times as much money as me.  So, given the current situation, it’s time for this gamekeeper to turn poacher.  Cool. 

This leads to more activities to fill the long hours of Gardening Leave……set up a company.  Should it be on-shore (so locally registered and subject to local taxation) or off-shore?  If the latter, where is most tax efficient?  And how the hell do you establish an offshore company from here (with bank accounts and everything)?  And square it with my conscience?  Because, nowadays, tax efficiency is more commonly known as tax avoidance, and universally frowned upon – governments the world over are trying to close all the loopholes that make offshore companies less attractive and harder to establish, on the premise (that I find incredibly flimsy) that trying to reduce your tax bill is somehow Cheating and Unfair and likely to consign you to Hell For All Eternity.  Now I am firmly of the view that the most important thing any man should be doing is providing for his family, and hence making as much money as possible, legally.  Reducing the amount of tax paid, either directly or indirectly, is one way of doing this.  I have no problem at all with paying income tax, and national insurance, corporation tax, poll tax, VAT – whatever else: any government needs to raise revenues to pay for a million things, and that is done through taxation.  I pay the Polish equivalent of National Insurance here, but personally will receive absolutely no benefit from it at all unless I continue to pay in until I’m about 80, because there is a minimum membership period, if I can call it that, before you qualify.  I don’t begrudge it, because one day I may well need emergency hospital treatment (I hope not for many years yet, but you never know) and this insurance pays for that.  And for my wife and kids too, of course.  But that does not mean that I want to be paying the best part of 60% of my income to any government – and anyone who says otherwise is a liar.  Of course people want to pay less tax, whether it be income tax or sales tax or whatever.  This is why political parties that pledge to reduce taxation tend to win elections (even if they renege on the promises afterwards – as most of them do).   Messrs Cameron and Osborne, Frau Merkel. Monsieur Sarkozy and all the other politicians who are screaming for EU budget cuts, increased austerity, higher taxes and so on as a panacea for the world’s economic ills (and, God knows, something needs doing!), even when their people simply cannot take any more financial squeezing, are at best misguided and at worst raging hypocrites – I would dearly love to see statements from their various off-shore bank accounts and see just how tax efficient they are. 

Anyway, rant over: more days have been spent in looking at various options in this field.   I haven’t yet made up my mind which way to go – more information needed – but I’m getting there.  I did think of a couple of catchy names for my shop, but I’m not sure which one to go with.  First up: The TB Consultancy (or maybe, a bit snappier, TB Consulting).  Google it – there’s an outfit with that name in Phoenix, Arizona, apparently, although their business is hugely different than mine will be.  OK – what about BC Consulting?  Worse – it seems there are several of these.  Then someone suggested TB Professional Services.  Definitely not – Google took me to the Facebook page of a hooker in Las Vegas using that one.  So I’m still scratching my head on the name front – if any of you have bright ideas, feel free to get in touch on here.

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So how else am I passing the time, now I’m  in Week 5 of my Gardening Leave?

The school runs can be fun, especially given the NASCAR race track the road here turns into every morning and evening.  Now the evenings are drawing in it’s even worse – my eyes aren’t what they were and all the carrots in the world won’t make much difference if the annual new spectacles can’t help.  Spending so much time generally with the kids is great, actually. And their English is improving since they’re hearing it more. 

I read a lot.  I've just finished an entertaining book by Richard Branson, a personal history of aviation – very interesting once you put aside the self-publicity and advertising for the Virgin Group that’s scattered throughout it – and I’m halfway through an Official History of MI5 (it’s called Defence of the Realm, and is fascinating).   To come: a mock autobiography of Alan Partridge (ah-HA!) by Steve Coogan et al, and a history of the Second World war by Max Hastings.  On order from Amazon: a re-read of the Foundation series by Isaac Asimov (old favourites from my youth in a presentation hardback edition) and Cloud Atlas, an apparently extraordinary book spanning multiple times and dimensions just released as a film starring Tom Hanks, Hugh Grant and Halle Berry.  Then there are various internet outlets and sites like the BBC, the Grauniad, various blogs.  It all keeps me going.

I also write.  This blog, of course, when I can think of anything worthwhile (or not as the case may be) to blog about – being grounded, so to speak, reduces the inspiration somewhat.  I managed a post on the eve of the US Election that I thought, being topical, might generate some interest and comment, but it received a paltry 7 views, much to my surprise.  Also my book: many years ago I wrote a novel about sex and booze and football that for years I’ve been planning to transfer from the pair of Boots The Chemist notebooks in which it currently resides into a proper manuscript preparatory to selling the thing.  It’s pretty good, even if I say so myself (and the few people who’ve read and critiqued it agreed with me).  Anyway, now is the best chance I’m likely to have so I’m cracking on with it, typing away like a mad thing and editing bits as I go along.  I don’t do it every day (other things keep interfering) so it’s taking a while, but the intention is to finish the first draft by the end of the month, then review and edit by year-end, and then…..well, then I’m not sure.  I don’t know any publishers or literary agents (so if anyone out there does, please put me in touch), so I’m exploring the self-publishing or e-book route…..  We’ll see.

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Anyway, I’m keeping occupied and surviving.  I’m certainly sleeping better, now all the work bollocks over the past couple of years has gone, for better or worse.  And, Mayan Apocolypse next month permitting, I’m looking forward to a new year and new life in 2013.  It may turn out, in the immortal words of Pete Townsend, to be a case of “meet the New Boss, same as the Old Boss” – but you never know: a change is as good as rest, after all.

But for sure I’ll be glad when this bloody Gardening Leave is finished!